Let the conversation begin!

I have been unsually upset today.  Most days I can handle with God's help anything that comes my way.  But for some reason today my emotions have been running high.  With a rare few minutes to myself I have been sitting here trying to figure out why I am feeling this way. 

So far what I have come up with is I think I am feeling overwhelmed by the enourmity of the addition/alcohol problem that seems to have invaded our society. It seems to just be every where and I cant get a way from it for even one day.  Maybe even one minute.  Of course this issue is very close to home for me and I deal with it day in and day out.  But it is more than that today. 

We were at the park the other day and this sweet little boy came over and wanted to play with my little girl.  She played shy and he did the little boy thing and showed her how he could go across the monkey bars all by himself.  It was very cute.  But I couldnt help but notice the man he had come with acting rather strangely off to the side.  After being at the park for a little bit another man walked up to him and they started having a heated conversation.  The other man was a little older and we feared for his safety so my husband asked him if everything was all right.  He said straight out "oh, he just likes his pills and is mad," and walked away.  And for some reason I was struck by his blunt statement.  Upon leaving the park I could barely keep myself from scooping up that little boy and taking his with me.  But all I could do and continue to do is pray for his safety.

On TV last week I watched a show about addicts and their families.  They interviewed this one mom of a young man who is addicted to meth and I felt like I could almost literally feel the pain and hurt on her face.  But what she said hit very close to home.  She said she is living with this terrible secret alone.  She has not told even her closest family members for fear of rejection and all I could do was cry.

I tell these stories as just a couple of examples of many.  I see so many hurting people around me everyday.  I see the tragedy that can stem from addiction/alcoholism and the mental illness that sometimes goes with it. It is in either people struggling with addiction/alcoholism themselves or as affected others and sometimes it just weighs on me.

So what can we do?  That is the question I find myself asking alot these days.  And I do not have the answer.  I was hoping that somehow by starting this blog I would start to find those answers.  I was hoping to reach out to people who were hurting and to those who have years of sobriety.

I would like to officially start a conversation.  I would love to hear from anyone and everyone about your experiences.  I hope to hear from people who do have years of sobriety and have them share what worked for them.  I would also enjoy hearing from any affected others and how they have handled the stress of having a struggling loved one. Lets stop suffering alone.

So let the conversation begin!

My Journey - Part 2

Since my last blog post I have spent a lot of time thinking about how we got to where we are today.  Honestly there is a lot of time somewhere in the middle of our recovery that I just cant remember.  Where I left off last time in the journey of my recovery was just before my second child, Emma was born.  The next year is just a blur.

When she was just 3 months old, my son, David, who was born with Spina Bifida underwent tethered cord surgery.  It was something we were aware could happen for a long time before it did and we were terrified.  So there I was in the hospital with a new born, that I was still attempting to nurse and a special needs child that had just undergone major surgery and 2 hours from home.  My husband is terrified by surgery in general but during my c-section a few months earlier and for David's surgery he had a very hard time coping.  So he spent much of his time coping the best he could but was not able to help much of the time.

Anyone who knows my precious Emma knows that she was a very fussy baby.  Which made this time in the hospital even more stressful. She would be screaming and I would lay her safe in her crib while I had to care for David.

David had complications from this surgery and we had to travel frequently from Bangor to Portland and had a few more hospitals stays over the next few months.  I had to leave my baby home in the wonderful care of family and friends but it was so hard to be separated from her.  Much of the time David and I were alone together in the hospital room at the hospital in Portland.  When he didn't need my help I would sit in the window and watch the rest of the world going about their business.  It seemed to me that since my world had stopped all of theirs should too.  Our world became the hospital. For days at a time we didn't even go outside.  David had to lay flat on his back for part of the time after his surgery.  But once he was feeling a little better sometimes he would come and sit on the couch with me and we would look at the Sea Dogs baseball field.  David is crazy about baseball and we would pass the time talking about baseball.  It was a very scary time for me but I look back fondly on the precious time alone we had together.

Over the following months David's recovery was very difficult and much of the year after Emma was born I just don't really remember.  I wish now that I had kept a journal so I could look back and remember all that we went through.  But I was so afraid to even write down what I was going through.  I didn't want anyone to know what we were going through.  I am so thankful that I am no longer in that place anymore.  Honestly, I am still afraid of what people will think of our story but I am determined not to be ruled by my fear anymore.  I will write our story and take the good with the bad.

So because I did not keep a journel I am afraid that most of the details of the year following the birth of Emma in my recovery are a jumbled mess mixed together with changing lots of diapers and taking care of my small children and helping David get stronger.  I think I let a lot of things slide during this time mostly because my life was so busy.  But in December of 2009 my husband and I separated for the second time in our marriage.  This time apart ended up being one of the best things that could have happened.  It made us put our focus back on our marriage and recovery.      

My Recovery ~ In the beginning

A lady that I recently met but have quickly grown to respect said to my little girl you wont ever know what your mommy has gone through for you. For some reason those words really struck me. I started to think about all the things I have done in order to do what most parents do which is to make sure their kids have the best life possible.  One thing that I have been tried hard to do is be very open and honest with them.  I do not believe that secrets help any situation.  But that has been hard.  So I started to rethink the purpose of this blog.  While I hope to reach out to people that suffer in one way or another from the effects of addiction I also hope that someday my kids will read this and understand how things happened.  Maybe they and other people can learn from our mistakes and from our successes. 

So my recovery began about the same time as Joe.  I dont remember now exactly what happened that put me over the edge on this particular day but I decided I had had enough.  After about 3 years of marriage things were spiraling out of control.  I went to visit a friend who recommended a christian counselor at Bangor Baptist, John Kasten.  So I made an appointment.  On my first visit I sat in his office listing all of the crazy things Joe had been doing.  Then John started asking me things about myself.  I remember thinking why is he asking about me doesnt he hear all of the things I am saying about my husband.  It was then that I started evaluating my life and how I had become the person that I was.  Not all bad or good just really thinking about who I was.  He recommended a book that really changed my life, Love Is A Choice by Dr. Robert Hemfelt. 

Over the next few years I went to see John, Joe went to see Jim LaPierre and we went together once a week.  We also started going to a group for young adults at the Rock Church and Joe was going to meeting regularly and working the steps.  It was the beginning of a very difficult process but things really started to get better.  Well things started to go good for the first time really.

But like John always told me that life is an incline plane and unless you are moving forward you start moving backward.  After years of therapy and meetings we started to think that we could take a break.  It was very hard on not just us doing all this every week but on the wonderful family who was watching David for us. 

Ever so slowly we started to let down our guard and things started creeping back into our lives.  That would be the first relapse our family experienced.

My Journey

I have decided to change the focus of this blog from Our Journey to My Journey.  As I have learned through my own recovery and self discovery as the wife of an alcoholic/addict that I have no control over the choices my husband makes.  I do have control over myself and my reaction to them.  This of course is easier said than done.  After being in therapy for over 5 years I am still very much working on myself and as it is for everyone we never arrive we can always learn more and reach higher. 

I am hoping to be as honest as I can about what life is like and the chaos that often comes from living with my husband.  Of course being a wife and mother are connected so I will share what life is like for not just me but our family.  But this is life according to me and from my perspective and is not necessarily how anyone else views it.

I hope to reach out to other families that are struggling with family memebers of addicts/alcoholics.  I am always open to reactions to what I write and would love to hear the experiences of others who are have been or are going through the similar circumstances. 

The one thing I know for sure is that isolation is not the answer to living with this problem that we often tend to keep a secret because it is too painful and embarassing.

Because I am a stay at home mom and find it difficult to go to al-anon and naranon meetings I have joined an online group.  I would recommend it to anyone that has trouble getting to meetings or lives in an area where meetings arent available.  www.naranongrouponline.com

So this is my continued effort to take myself out of my self imposed isolation and join the rest of the world.  I look forward to sharing My Journey with you all and hopefully getting to know some new people in the process and reconnecting with old friends. 

so much worrying to do and so little time

so i kind of went back into hiding. things are so unsure and ever changing that i havent known what to say.  i have spent a lot of my free time reading lately.  my lovely therapist, kate, at higher ground services, asks me how i am coping with things and one thing i do is read. 

i have a problem with worrying.  i have been so worried about things lately mostly things that are completely out of my control.  so i spent the rainy weekend reading as much as i could. i read about amazing women who overcame amazing obsticles.  it inspired me but also kept me from dwelling on the things i could not change.  with the chaos of our life working has been very difficult. who wants to hire someone that may or may not be in jail next week and how do i find a job if i dont know anyone and dont know if my husband will be here to help watch the children.  so needless to say finances are very tight.  so i worried all weekend that the money we were expecting to pay the rent today would not come.  i was so worried that in my head i was aleady packing our stuff and figuring out what we would do next.  of course for anyone who knows me i am a planner.  always anticipating the future and what should be done next.  it some cases it comes in handy in this circumstance it does not. 

worrying not only is exhausting but it makes me have very little patience.  how dare somone ask me again to help them go potty for what seems like the hundredth time this hour.  what is that child drinking anyway and of course anna would have diareah this weekend and why do all the neighborhood children want to spend their time at our house?  dont they know that i have so much worrying left to do today that i dont have time for any of this? 

so losing myself in a book is how i escape the pressure of life instead of turning to drugs or alcohol. and of course all that time and energy was wasted because the money came and it was such an unbelievable joy to pay the rent today. 

Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day

As we were preparing to take Joe to the bus station for what might be the last time we see him for a while the day took an unforseen turn.  As it turns out it looks like the case is going to be continued again.  Emotions were already running high and this really blindsided me.  I was emotionally prepared yesterday for the task that I was facing.  I was actually really looking forward to at least everything being overwith so we could move on with our lives.  So when this happened I behaved very selfishly.

I actually put most of my 3 year olds tantrums to shame.  I made an already bad day much worse.  And what was just as bad is that I really felt justified.  It wasnt until this morning when I was reading day 3 of The Love Dare that I was even convicted of my behavior.  While it was completely understandible that I would be upset I didnt even take into consideration how all this was affecting my children and husband.  I was a poor example of how to handle a stressful situation. 

But thankfully God has forgiven me and I can forgive myself.  I can appoligize to my family, accept responsibilty and hopefully learn from this situation so that it wont be repeated again.  So hopefully today will be a better day and we will be prepared for whatever the day brings.  I will hopefully be slow to anger, slow to speak and quick to listen. 

We did drop Joe off at the bus station to go to Bangor for his court hearing and made it back home in time to go to the beach for a few minutes.  It was sunset and God showed up and gave us the most amazing sunset I have ever seen.  We also got to share it with the little boy across the street who David wrote a story about the other day calling him the brother he doesnt have. God has already blessed us to much by putting us here. 

I will leave you today with some lyrics from a song I have been listening to alot that has really helped me to keep things in perspective.  I hope it will be as much of a blessing to you as it has been to me.

I wont pretend to know what your thinking and I cant begin to know what your going through and
I wont deny the pain that your feeling.
But I'm going to try and give a little hope to you.
Just remember what I told you there's so much your living for.
There's a light at the end of this tunnel for you.
There's a light at the end of this tunnel shining bright at the end of this tunnel for you.
So keep holding on.

Tunnel
~ Third Day

Kindness

First I would like to say through tear stained cheeks how incredibly grateful I am to all who have reached out to me in the last few days.  It has been an amazing blessing that I just cannot adequately describe.  I now wish that I had not waited to long to share. 

But I would like to share today one of the things that brought me to the point of having the courage to write this blog.  Since we moved to Old Orchard Beach a few weeks ago God has been blessing me through perfect strangers.  It seems that every where we have been at the grocery store, on the beach, or just walking down the street perfect strangers have taken a moment to stop me and tell me how wonderful my family is.  One lady at the mall actually stopped me and said your children are beautiful.  She went on and on saying why she thought so in detail and then said to me "good job mom." On that particular day those words meant so much to me to have someone, especially a stranger, notice how hard I was working was incredibily encouraging. 

With the encouragment I was receiving from strangers I started to see my family different from their perspective.  Of course I think my family is wonderful.  We have a lot of problems that we are working on but I love them.  But I assumed that everyone walking by somehow knew our secrets and was looking down on us.

Another amazing thing started happening when I started looking at my family from their perspective.  I started really looking at people as they were walking by and I could just see so much pain.  I started to really realize that everyone is struggling in one way or another.  That maybe they are walking around thinking I am thinking bad things about them. 

When Joe was first arrested I didnt even go to the grocery store for a week because I felt like everyone knew.  I was so embarrassed and ashamed.  Then I realized that most people didnt know and I was determined to keep it that way.  There have been days in the last year when things have been so hard it literally felt hard to take a deep breath.  Not only have we had the relapse & legal issues but our house sold and we had to move.  Joe was in the middle of his court case so we couldnt really leave town.  We were told by the lawyer that the case would definitely be done by July 1st.  Because we knew we wanted to leave Bangor we decided to go camping for the summer until the case was done.  What I didnt realize was that I hate camping :)  Then our car broke and we had no way to get back and forth from the campground to Bangor for court hearings.

But through these amazing people that have taken just a few seconds of their time to encourage us I no longer feel that we are condemded by everyone.  I know it may sound simple but that is really played a big part in finding the courage to write this blog.  I started to think that if strangers thought we were ok then maybe everyone else would too. 

I walked through the same store last week and looked for the lady who spoke such kind words to me and I didnt see her.  Maybe she wasnt working that day or maybe she was an angel sent by God. 

The kindness lavished on me by strangers is more than I can explain.  ~ Ani Difranco

More Joy Less Shame

For at least the last year but really longer our family has been in self imposed isolation.  We have been suffering alone in our shame.  It has come to the point where I think we are tired of hiding and have decided to put ourselves out there and accept what may come.  We are ready to meet new people who want to join us on our journey and are ready to let go of those who dont.  But before you decide which side of the road you are on here is a little more about our story.

My husband, Joe is a recovering Alcoholic/Addict.  He has been in active recovery for about 6 years.  But in the last year he had a major relapse in which he made some very bad choices and hurt some very good people.  He ended up in legal trouble that is going to send him to jail next week for at least a month.

So for the last year we have cut ourselves off from most everyone because how do you avoid something that is such a huge part of your life coming up in conversation.  We were not ready to tell people.  Some people close to us that do know about this terrible tragedy have decided they no longer accept us as part of their life and I understand their decision.  I have asked myself a thousand times if I met someone who told me that their husband did what mine did could I continue to have them over for dinner. Before this happened I am not sure but I can say for sure now that I would.

So now I am faced with living in a new place where I dont know anyone and next week my husband will be in jail and I will be left taking care of 3 children completely by myself.  While I have been contimplating this task it has forced me come out of my isolation and put myself out there. 

I firmly believe that God works all things for good.  I have prayed many times asking God to show me how this situation can be used for His glory.  I hope that writing this blog is the first step in doing that.  I hope that people that dont know us very well will understand why they havent seen us lately. That we will meet new people that share our story and our journey. That we will reach hurting people and that somehow reading our story will help them through their pain. And that it will help our family to heal and begin our new life.

I am not exactly where writing this blog is going to go.  But my goal for now is to chronicle our journey each day as we undergo the seperation from Joe while he is in jail. As well as continue to share what it is like to live with someone that is in recovery and just share the trials and triumphs of my everyday life as a mother, wife, homeschool teacher, sister, daughter and friend.  I hope you will decide to join us on our journey to more joy and less shame.