When I began my journey as the wife of a recovering alcoholic/addict about 6 years ago much to my astonishment I started to learn a lot more about myself. At my very first therapy session I started to list all of the things wrong with my husband and why it was negatively affecting my life. The therapist listened patiently for a while and then started asking me questions about myself. In my head I was thinking why is he asking me these questions. I am not the problem. Clearly he is misunderstanding me.
But I still kept going week after week and I started to learn things about myself I dont think I would have ever realized on my own. It was then that I started to see the codependent ways that I was living my life. Since then I feel like over and over I have taken 2 steps forward and one step back. But at least moving forward and learning dearly from my mistakes.
However one part of my life continues to plague me. My drug of choice is being a workaholic. I inherited this from my father. As a child and young adult I thought it was how you were supposed to live. But even now that I know it isnt it is so deeply ingrained in me that I continue to struggle with it every day.
My drug though is socially accepted, admired and encouraged. Which makes it that much harder to stop.
Even sitting down to spend some time writing this blog, which is something I enjoy doing, I feel guilty. There are so many other things I should be doing. From where I sit I can see laundry that needs to be done, dishes that are dirty, children that could use a bath, work that I do from home that I haven't found time for today.
It isnt just house work or working a job that I struggle with. I feel like somehow it is my duty to save the world. I want to help everyone I come in contact with, except myself. I am pretty low in a long line.
I would like to enjoy a bath or sit and drink a cup of tea. But somehow in my head I think for some reason the world will just completely collapse if I do that.
To be fair I am much better then I used to be. At least now I am conscious of my behavior and continuing to try to balance my life.
I was told once that life is an incline plane and if you are not moving forward then you are moving backward. I know for sure that I have made tremendous progress in my personal journey of recovery. I am light years from where I was just 6 years ago. For that I should be proud of myself. I guess I should take more time like this to sit and reflect and see just how far I have come.
I have not arrived by any means. Being a workaholic is definitely something I need to stay on top of. But I am grateful for all of the areas of my life that I have made progress in. I look forward to writing a blog someday in the future and discussing how I have been able to overcome this area of my life.
