It has been about 2 months since I found out my husband has relapsed. At first it seemed like it was just a one time mistake. Everything was going so well I just didnt want to believe what was happening. But as the last few weeks have gone by it is has gotten progressively worse. Until this week we decided he needed to go to a detox facility and try to get more intensive treatment. It sounds like a simple enough plan. But all week it has been like pulling teeth to get him in and extremely stressful.
For one reason or another he has not been able to get into the facility all week. Finally yesterday I told him if he wasn't able to get in he would not be able to come home at night. We dropped him off at the bus station and like so many times before I wondered if we would ever see him again. He stayed with a friend last night and promised he would be first in line at the detox center this morning. But I have not heard from him all day.
It is so hard to go about your daily routine when in the back of your mind all you can think about is how he is doing. Maybe he made it into the detox program but I have a sick feeling that isn't where he is. I so desperately want to call him and say just come home. At least then I will know he is safe. For the time being. But I know that isn't the answer. I cant save him this time. I guess I never really could. But it never stopped me from trying.
At least when he was in jail I knew where he was. Although it wasn't the greatest place to be he had a place to stay, he was being fed and was warm. And that gave me comfort in some way. But since he has been gone everytime I eat something I wonder if he is hungry. Everytime I sit I wonder if he is comfortable. Everytime I take a breath I wonder if he is even still breathing.
I have gone through the week as I normally would taking care of the kids, working and taking David to therapy. Talking to people as if everything is normal. But nothing is normal. I have this huge secret that makes every step I take feel like I don't know if I can take another one and it is so hard to even take the next breath. But I will take the next step and keep breathing because I have 4 little lives depending on me to not give up.
Friday, March 27, 2015
Monday, February 2, 2015
My Heart is Broken Again
I began my day today reading a blog called Tell Your Secrets to a Stranger by one my favorite people, Jim LaPierre. After reading this I thought maybe I could do one better and potentially tell my secret to many strangers. Writing has always been therapeutic for me and writing this blog has helped me through a few very difficult times in my life. So here it goes.
Almost 2 years ago my father suffered from 2 brain aneurysms and is subsequently severely impaired. This past summer his most recent wife decided to divorce him. After over 3 years of having very little contact with my dad my mom and I decided we would take him in to care for him. Somehow I guess we thought that having this major life change would magically change him as a person.
So as I tend to do with all things I jumped in with both feet. He and my mother got an apartment together. She became his full time caregiver and I became his healthcare and financial power of attorney. He ended up getting sick this fall and spent a couple of months in the hospital. I spent countless hours visiting him, talking to therapists and case managers advocating for the best care for him.
Over the months he has been ungrateful and verbally abusive to my mother and my children. But we were only in the lease on the apartment until May so we were trying to over look things and keep the peace until then.
Then a couple of weeks ago he heard back from a place that he had been on a waiting list for that was less expensive then living with us. I guess under different circumstances that would have been the answer to our problem except my mother couldn't get out of the lease and could not afford to live there on her own.
My father did not care. As is usually the case with him it all came down to money and he didn't care how his decision to leave would affect us. But honestly what hurt the most is that he was ditching us again. After all we had done for him and after all of the years we have been apart he still didn't care about being with us or his beautiful grandchildren.
He has moved now. My mother, brother and I told him that this would be the last time he leaves us and have decided to no longer have any contact with him or his family. While I dont regret my decision to have him completely out of my life I cant stop thinking about it and the pain just wont go away.
It is such a shameful and extremely painful thing to have your father care about money and himself more than you that I just haven't been able to share with anyone. I wish there was a way to just erase him and his family from my memory but as much as I try it only seems to make it worse.
I am so grateful for the beautiful children and the supportive husband that I have. I regret all the time I wasted and took away from my family caring for my father and continue to take away from them by obsessing about this. But I just dont know how to get past it. I am hoping writing about it will help me in the process of letting go, again.
Almost 2 years ago my father suffered from 2 brain aneurysms and is subsequently severely impaired. This past summer his most recent wife decided to divorce him. After over 3 years of having very little contact with my dad my mom and I decided we would take him in to care for him. Somehow I guess we thought that having this major life change would magically change him as a person.
So as I tend to do with all things I jumped in with both feet. He and my mother got an apartment together. She became his full time caregiver and I became his healthcare and financial power of attorney. He ended up getting sick this fall and spent a couple of months in the hospital. I spent countless hours visiting him, talking to therapists and case managers advocating for the best care for him.
Over the months he has been ungrateful and verbally abusive to my mother and my children. But we were only in the lease on the apartment until May so we were trying to over look things and keep the peace until then.
Then a couple of weeks ago he heard back from a place that he had been on a waiting list for that was less expensive then living with us. I guess under different circumstances that would have been the answer to our problem except my mother couldn't get out of the lease and could not afford to live there on her own.
My father did not care. As is usually the case with him it all came down to money and he didn't care how his decision to leave would affect us. But honestly what hurt the most is that he was ditching us again. After all we had done for him and after all of the years we have been apart he still didn't care about being with us or his beautiful grandchildren.
He has moved now. My mother, brother and I told him that this would be the last time he leaves us and have decided to no longer have any contact with him or his family. While I dont regret my decision to have him completely out of my life I cant stop thinking about it and the pain just wont go away.
It is such a shameful and extremely painful thing to have your father care about money and himself more than you that I just haven't been able to share with anyone. I wish there was a way to just erase him and his family from my memory but as much as I try it only seems to make it worse.
I am so grateful for the beautiful children and the supportive husband that I have. I regret all the time I wasted and took away from my family caring for my father and continue to take away from them by obsessing about this. But I just dont know how to get past it. I am hoping writing about it will help me in the process of letting go, again.
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