My family has just went through what we thought would be the worst thing we could imagine and survived. My husband served 4 months in jail and was released about 3 months ago. While my husband has been doing a great job in his recovery since being released I have realized some new issues that we are going to have to find a way to work through.
Unfortunately even though my husband seems to have made a steadfast decision to never return to drinking or drugs I have heard that before. And unfortunately I am still skeptical. In my journey I have gone from no hope to hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. So in my life as a wife of an addict I was and am hypervigilant in making sure I watch out for warning signs that addiction has returned to our lives.
Something that I am struggling to come to grips with is despite my constant awareness of the signs of addiction in my husband I still somehow missed them. How could it have gotten so bad and I didn't realize it. I did know something was wrong but I had no idea it was as bad as it was.
So now I have stepped up my game. It isnt going to get by me again. So the littlest sign of something array sets me off.
Why were you in the bathroom so long?
Why are you tired?
And a million other little things that set my brain into defensive mode. But of course there can be legitimate reasons for questions like these but in our life there never has been.
I have come to realize that just like there are triggers for my husband there are also triggers for me. Things that I need to retrain my brain to think about them differently. At least not jump directly off the deep end. Not default to anger and bitterness just because he needs to go to a routine doctor appointment.
But for now it still feels bad.
