My husband was arrested a couple of days ago for probation revocation. Even though it wasn't really a surprise the feelings are still the same. The insight from my almost 10 year old son over the past few days has been amazing to me. One of the first things he said to me was why don't we pretend he has passed away. While I might not have described it the same way I totally relate to what he is saying. When someone you care about is in jail it feels much like they have died, only worse. When someone passes away, especially if they have been ill, you have the comfort of knowing they are "in a better place." When someone goes to jail they are most certainly not in a better place. Well maybe, only in the sense that, hopefully, now they are safe from their own self destruction.
All of their stuff is still where it always is in your home. But what do you do with it? You can still talk to them or see them but not whenever you would like to. Or maybe you are still trying to decide whether you even want to or not. When someone passes away you don't have that choice anymore.
When someone passes away you generally receive condolences from friends and family. Maybe meals and support. When someone in your family goes to jail there is so much shame and isolation. It is not really the kind of thing you like to share.
This is the second time my husband has been incarcerated and for me this time is much different. Last time I was desperately trying to help him get out. Now I believe it is the best place for him right now. I have a sense of hope that maybe this will be what it takes for him to turn his life around and hopefully start the road to being the man I know he can be. I am hopeful that he will finally receive and put to good use the mental health and addiction help he needs. And if he doesn't I have a sense of peace about that as well.
Yet, despite feeling like this is all for the best it still makes me sad that things had to turn out this way. It hurts to think about the father of my children sitting in a jail cell at night by himself. I wonder about silly things like if he is cold, if he is feeling well or if he is getting along with the other inmates. When someone passes away you don't have to worry anymore about how they are doing.
The experience is much the same but different for my son. Since he is 10 he is old enough to understand to a certain extent what is going on but not completely. What is most important to him right now is his birthday is in a few weeks and the father he adores despite all of his problems will not be there. This is devastating to him. There doesn't seem to be anything I can say or do that will console this hurt in his heart. It might be different if his father really had passed away and he knew there was no chance he would be able to be there. Even though I have tried to explain to him he wont be here he still holds out hope in his heart that somehow it will happen.
He is also very afraid of the unknown, as I am, but it is different for him. He doesn't know when he will see his father again if ever and this is very scary for him. For me I have spent a lot of time recently thinking about this and am somewhat at peace with this but he is not my father and I am not 10.
