I began my day today reading a blog called Tell Your Secrets to a Stranger by one my favorite people, Jim LaPierre. After reading this I thought maybe I could do one better and potentially tell my secret to many strangers. Writing has always been therapeutic for me and writing this blog has helped me through a few very difficult times in my life. So here it goes.
Almost 2 years ago my father suffered from 2 brain aneurysms and is subsequently severely impaired. This past summer his most recent wife decided to divorce him. After over 3 years of having very little contact with my dad my mom and I decided we would take him in to care for him. Somehow I guess we thought that having this major life change would magically change him as a person.
So as I tend to do with all things I jumped in with both feet. He and my mother got an apartment together. She became his full time caregiver and I became his healthcare and financial power of attorney. He ended up getting sick this fall and spent a couple of months in the hospital. I spent countless hours visiting him, talking to therapists and case managers advocating for the best care for him.
Over the months he has been ungrateful and verbally abusive to my mother and my children. But we were only in the lease on the apartment until May so we were trying to over look things and keep the peace until then.
Then a couple of weeks ago he heard back from a place that he had been on a waiting list for that was less expensive then living with us. I guess under different circumstances that would have been the answer to our problem except my mother couldn't get out of the lease and could not afford to live there on her own.
My father did not care. As is usually the case with him it all came down to money and he didn't care how his decision to leave would affect us. But honestly what hurt the most is that he was ditching us again. After all we had done for him and after all of the years we have been apart he still didn't care about being with us or his beautiful grandchildren.
He has moved now. My mother, brother and I told him that this would be the last time he leaves us and have decided to no longer have any contact with him or his family. While I dont regret my decision to have him completely out of my life I cant stop thinking about it and the pain just wont go away.
It is such a shameful and extremely painful thing to have your father care about money and himself more than you that I just haven't been able to share with anyone. I wish there was a way to just erase him and his family from my memory but as much as I try it only seems to make it worse.
I am so grateful for the beautiful children and the supportive husband that I have. I regret all the time I wasted and took away from my family caring for my father and continue to take away from them by obsessing about this. But I just dont know how to get past it. I am hoping writing about it will help me in the process of letting go, again.
