It has been about 2 months since I found out my husband has relapsed. At first it seemed like it was just a one time mistake. Everything was going so well I just didnt want to believe what was happening. But as the last few weeks have gone by it is has gotten progressively worse. Until this week we decided he needed to go to a detox facility and try to get more intensive treatment. It sounds like a simple enough plan. But all week it has been like pulling teeth to get him in and extremely stressful.
For one reason or another he has not been able to get into the facility all week. Finally yesterday I told him if he wasn't able to get in he would not be able to come home at night. We dropped him off at the bus station and like so many times before I wondered if we would ever see him again. He stayed with a friend last night and promised he would be first in line at the detox center this morning. But I have not heard from him all day.
It is so hard to go about your daily routine when in the back of your mind all you can think about is how he is doing. Maybe he made it into the detox program but I have a sick feeling that isn't where he is. I so desperately want to call him and say just come home. At least then I will know he is safe. For the time being. But I know that isn't the answer. I cant save him this time. I guess I never really could. But it never stopped me from trying.
At least when he was in jail I knew where he was. Although it wasn't the greatest place to be he had a place to stay, he was being fed and was warm. And that gave me comfort in some way. But since he has been gone everytime I eat something I wonder if he is hungry. Everytime I sit I wonder if he is comfortable. Everytime I take a breath I wonder if he is even still breathing.
I have gone through the week as I normally would taking care of the kids, working and taking David to therapy. Talking to people as if everything is normal. But nothing is normal. I have this huge secret that makes every step I take feel like I don't know if I can take another one and it is so hard to even take the next breath. But I will take the next step and keep breathing because I have 4 little lives depending on me to not give up.
