My Journey - Part 2

Since my last blog post I have spent a lot of time thinking about how we got to where we are today.  Honestly there is a lot of time somewhere in the middle of our recovery that I just cant remember.  Where I left off last time in the journey of my recovery was just before my second child, Emma was born.  The next year is just a blur.

When she was just 3 months old, my son, David, who was born with Spina Bifida underwent tethered cord surgery.  It was something we were aware could happen for a long time before it did and we were terrified.  So there I was in the hospital with a new born, that I was still attempting to nurse and a special needs child that had just undergone major surgery and 2 hours from home.  My husband is terrified by surgery in general but during my c-section a few months earlier and for David's surgery he had a very hard time coping.  So he spent much of his time coping the best he could but was not able to help much of the time.

Anyone who knows my precious Emma knows that she was a very fussy baby.  Which made this time in the hospital even more stressful. She would be screaming and I would lay her safe in her crib while I had to care for David.

David had complications from this surgery and we had to travel frequently from Bangor to Portland and had a few more hospitals stays over the next few months.  I had to leave my baby home in the wonderful care of family and friends but it was so hard to be separated from her.  Much of the time David and I were alone together in the hospital room at the hospital in Portland.  When he didn't need my help I would sit in the window and watch the rest of the world going about their business.  It seemed to me that since my world had stopped all of theirs should too.  Our world became the hospital. For days at a time we didn't even go outside.  David had to lay flat on his back for part of the time after his surgery.  But once he was feeling a little better sometimes he would come and sit on the couch with me and we would look at the Sea Dogs baseball field.  David is crazy about baseball and we would pass the time talking about baseball.  It was a very scary time for me but I look back fondly on the precious time alone we had together.

Over the following months David's recovery was very difficult and much of the year after Emma was born I just don't really remember.  I wish now that I had kept a journal so I could look back and remember all that we went through.  But I was so afraid to even write down what I was going through.  I didn't want anyone to know what we were going through.  I am so thankful that I am no longer in that place anymore.  Honestly, I am still afraid of what people will think of our story but I am determined not to be ruled by my fear anymore.  I will write our story and take the good with the bad.

So because I did not keep a journel I am afraid that most of the details of the year following the birth of Emma in my recovery are a jumbled mess mixed together with changing lots of diapers and taking care of my small children and helping David get stronger.  I think I let a lot of things slide during this time mostly because my life was so busy.  But in December of 2009 my husband and I separated for the second time in our marriage.  This time apart ended up being one of the best things that could have happened.  It made us put our focus back on our marriage and recovery.