Today Felt Normal ~ Whatever That Is

I am sure my family must have had "normal" days in the past. But I cant recall any. For most people a day like today probably wouldn't feel extraordinary. My family didn't do anything out of the ordinary today but the way we did it was. My husband got up this morning and went to work. Not a big deal to most families but for ours the fact that he has been consistently going to the same job for almost 2 months is a huge deal. He willing hands over his check and we deposit it in the bank. After he got out of work we went shopping and actually had money to buy some of the things we need for the house. Again a luxury that I am sure many families take for granted. My sons glasses were broken and we bought him some new ones,we got new sheets for the bed, a pair of pajamas for the baby and had money to spoil ourselves with a pumpkin pie.

Not only did we have the money to buy what we needed but we enjoyed each others company while doing it. We took our time and browsed and everyone enjoyed looking at something they were interested in. In the past the crowd of a store on a Saturday a few weeks before Christmas would have made my husbands anxiety probably prevent him from even getting out of the car.

My husband has had extended periods of time with sobriety in the past but we have never had the trifecta before. Having his mental health under control, consistently working and sober at the same time. I have had brief glimpses in the past of the man I knew was somewhere in there. The man I married. But I think this is the first time in our marriage that I have really got to see the whole package. It is the first time I have really experienced what it is like to really have a partner. Honestly it is great.

I am still a bit scared that my husband will relapse and what that will mean for our family. But I am no longer going to try dwell on that and make contingency plans for the what ifs. I am going to enjoy our family everyday to the fullest and if that time comes we will deal with it then. But I am hopeful for the first time really that that day wont come again.

Hi my name is Karen and I am a workaholic

When I began my journey as the wife of a recovering alcoholic/addict about 6 years ago much to my astonishment I started to learn a lot more about myself. At my very first therapy session I started to list all of the things wrong with my husband and why it was negatively affecting my life. The therapist listened patiently for a while and then started asking me questions about myself. In my head I was thinking why is he asking me these questions. I am not the problem. Clearly he is misunderstanding me.

But I still kept going week after week and I started to learn things about myself I dont think I would have ever realized on my own. It was then that I started to see the codependent ways that I was living my life. Since then I feel like over and over I have taken 2 steps forward and one step back. But at least moving forward and learning dearly from my mistakes.

However one part of my life continues to plague me. My drug of choice is being a workaholic. I inherited this from my father. As a child and young adult I thought it was how you were supposed to live. But even now that I know it isnt it is so deeply ingrained in me that I continue to struggle with it every day.

My drug though is socially accepted, admired and encouraged. Which makes it that much harder to stop.

Even sitting down to spend some time writing this blog, which is something I enjoy doing, I feel guilty. There are so many other things I should be doing. From where I sit I can see laundry that needs to be done, dishes that are dirty, children that could use a bath, work that I do from home that I haven't found time for today.

It isnt just house work or working a job that I struggle with. I feel like somehow it is my duty to save the world. I want to help everyone I come in contact with, except myself. I am pretty low in a long line.

I would like to enjoy a bath or sit and drink a cup of tea. But somehow in my head I think for some reason the world will just completely collapse if I do that.

To be fair I am much better then I used to be. At least now I am conscious of my behavior and continuing to try to balance my life.

I was told once that life is an incline plane and if you are not moving forward then you are moving backward. I know for sure that I have made tremendous progress in my personal journey of recovery. I am light years from where I was just 6 years ago. For that I should be proud of myself. I guess I should take more time like this to sit and reflect and see just how far I have come.

I have not arrived by any means. Being a workaholic is definitely something I need to stay on top of. But I am grateful for all of the areas of my life that I have made progress in. I look forward to writing a blog someday in the future and discussing how I have been able to overcome this area of my life.

It still feels bad but getting better

My family has just went through what we thought would be the worst thing we could imagine and survived. My husband served 4 months in jail and was released about 3 months ago. While my husband has been doing a great job in his recovery since being released I have realized some new issues that we are going to have to find a way to work through.

Unfortunately even though my husband seems to have made a steadfast decision to never return to drinking or drugs I have heard that before. And unfortunately I am still skeptical. In my journey I have gone from no hope to hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. So in my life as a wife of an addict I was and am hypervigilant in making sure I watch out for warning signs that addiction has returned to our lives.

Something that I am struggling to come to grips with is despite my constant awareness of the signs of addiction in my husband I still somehow missed them. How could it have gotten so bad and I didn't realize it. I did know something was wrong but I had no idea it was as bad as it was.

So now I have stepped up my game. It isnt going to get by me again. So the littlest sign of something array sets me off.

Why were you in the bathroom so long?

Why are you tired?

And a million other little things that set my brain into defensive mode. But of course there can be legitimate reasons for questions like these but in our life there never has been.

I have come to realize that just like there are triggers for my husband there are also triggers for me. Things that I need to retrain my brain to think about them differently. At least not jump directly off the deep end. Not default to anger and bitterness just because he needs to go to a routine doctor appointment.

But for now it still feels bad.

Grieving

My husband was arrested a couple of days ago for probation revocation. Even though it wasn't really a surprise the feelings are still the same. The insight from my almost 10 year old son over the past few days has been amazing to me. One of the first things he said to me was why don't we pretend he has passed away. While I might not have described it the same way I totally relate to what he is saying. When someone you care about is in jail it feels much like they have died, only worse. When someone passes away, especially if they have been ill, you have the comfort of knowing they are "in a better place." When someone goes to jail they are most certainly not in a better place. Well maybe, only in the sense that, hopefully, now they are safe from their own self destruction.

All of their stuff is still where it always is in your home. But what do you do with it? You can still talk to them or see them but not whenever you would like to. Or maybe you are still trying to decide whether you even want to or not. When someone passes away you don't have that choice anymore.

When someone passes away you generally receive condolences from friends and family. Maybe meals and support. When someone in your family goes to jail there is so much shame and isolation. It is not really the kind of thing you like to share.

This is the second time my husband has been incarcerated and for me this time is much different. Last time I was desperately trying to help him get out. Now I believe it is the best place for him right now. I have a sense of hope that maybe this will be what it takes for him to turn his life around and hopefully start the road to being the man I know he can be. I am hopeful that he will finally receive and put to good use the mental health and addiction help he needs. And if he doesn't I have a sense of peace about that as well.

Yet, despite feeling like this is all for the best it still makes me sad that things had to turn out this way. It hurts to think about the father of my children sitting in a jail cell at night by himself. I wonder about silly things like if he is cold, if he is feeling well or if he is getting along with the other inmates. When someone passes away you don't have to worry anymore about how they are doing.

The experience is much the same but different for my son. Since he is 10 he is old enough to understand to a certain extent what is going on but not completely. What is most important to him right now is his birthday is in a few weeks and the father he adores despite all of his problems will not be there. This is devastating to him. There doesn't seem to be anything I can say or do that will console this hurt in his heart. It might be different if his father really had passed away and he knew there was no chance he would be able to be there. Even though I have tried to explain to him he wont be here he still holds out hope in his heart that somehow it will happen.

He is also very afraid of the unknown, as I am, but it is different for him. He doesn't know when he will see his father again if ever and this is very scary for him. For me I have spent a lot of time recently thinking about this and am somewhat at peace with this but he is not my father and I am not 10.

Raising Money

Our son, David has Spina Bifida. Over the last couple of weeks he has been very sick. We are desperately trying to relocate to be closer to his doctors. In an effort to raise money quickly to move we have decided to sell all of my husbands original watercolor artwork. This is a great opportunity to get some amazing watercolor artwork from a Maine artist at a great price. Our plan is to sell the artwork this weekend by the road in Portland, ME so if you are interested in any of his work get in touch with me soon. We will also be selling prints of his work for any donation you would like to make. We have most of his work on our facebook business page at www.facebook.com/artisticdesignsmaine

We hope to hear from you soon.

Karen Sites
karensites@hotmail.com

Life Lessons from Pinocchio & A Harvard Professor

I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and there is no such thing as coincidence. But when my daughter happened to choose to watch Pinocchio it never crossed my mind where this decision would take me. I also never thought anything of the 3 year old Readers Digest my youngest daughter brought to my mom's apartment from the laundry room after helping Nana put in some laundry. But as "coincidence" would have it I found myself with a rare few minutes of quiet while Anna was napping and Emma was watching the Disney movie Pinocchio. The Readers Digest seemed to be calling my name.

After reading a number of inspiring stories I finished by reading a very unsuspecting article by Harvard Professor Clayton Christensen called The Bottom Line on Happiness: Use the Tools of Business to Create a Life of Fulfillment & Integrity. Honestly I didn't think I would even finish the article but the word integrity caught my eye. The whole article was full of great advice, but one section called "avoid just this once" really struck me. He shared a story of how he made a personal commitment to God when he was 16 that he would not play ball on Sundays. In college he played for the Oxford University varsity basketball team as the starting forward. The team made it to the British equivalent of the NCAA championship. But the game was scheduled to be played on a Sunday. Despite the encouragement by his coach and teammates to play "just this once" he prayed and decided not to play.

As I was sitting there pondering if I could have held my convictions under such pressure, I could faintly hear Pinocchio in the background. Event though I am sure I have watched this movie many times I never really got the true meaning until now. How much hardship could Pinocchio have avoided if he had followed his conscience and not given in to temptation. Not allowed himself to be sucked into "just this once."

Emma and I had a great conversation about how Pinocchio could have made better choices but was ultimately forgiven and still became a real boy. I also realized that I have many other opportunities to show my children everyday how not to give in to "just this once."

It's times like when we get to the car and everyone is already buckled in and I realize the two year old has the bananas and we didn't pay for them. I honestly really struggled with this little test. I stood there going over in my head for a few minutes why it would be ok to not pay "just this once." But the lesson I taught them by taking the time to bring everyone in and pay for the bananas was so important. It didn't feel like it at the time though.

Our family is going through some very difficult times right now. We don't have a home of our own, or a car, and have had a very hard time finding work. I can't tell you how many times, daily it seems like lately, I have heard this voice in my head say, it's ok to lie just this once. It is justified. You are trying to provide for your family. No one will blame you.

I am so thankful for the reminder from a simple children's movie and a random article that the lessons I am teaching my children about living a life of integrity and honor are more important than anything.

I am also thankful for a forgiving God that loves me even when I fail and for His Grace and Mercy that are restored every day.

I will probably need to read the article again tomorrow for a reminder. If you are interested in reading the entire article too here is a link to the entire article.

The Bottom Line on Happiness: Use the Tools of Business to Create a Life of Fulfillment and Integrity
http://hbr.org/2010/07/how-will-you-measure-your-life/

Our Journey as Special Needs Parents - Shunt Surgery

Taking David home was exciting and nerve racking at the same time. Not only was the task of caring for this special little boy daunting but I was a new mom as well.  I had all the same fears that everyone new mom goes through. I didn’t really have any experience caring for an infant.

When we brought David home he still had bandages on his back from where they closed up the opening in his back. The bandages had to be changed regularly and that was scary for me. Of course every time he pooped it would get in the bandage and it had to be changed even more then I had anticipated. His poor skin was so sore where the adhesive from the bandage was. That part looked even more painful then his stitches.

But the part that was even harder to adjust to was his shunt. As I mentioned in a previous article David has hydrocephalus. Hydrocephalus is a harmful build-up of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF)Cerebrospinal fluid (CSF)A clear fluid made in the brain’s ventricles — the four small pockets in the brain. CSF flows from the ventricles, through the brain and into the space around the brain and spinal cord. It bathes and protects or cushions the brain and spinal cord. in the ventriclesCerebrospinal fluid (CSF)A clear fluid made in the brain’s ventricles — the four small pockets in the brain. CSF flows from the ventricles, through the brain and into the space around the brain and spinal cord. It bathes and protects or cushions the brain and spinal cord. of the brain. CSF is a clear fluid made in your ventricles. It bathes and protects your brain and spinal cord. Normally, CSF flows from the ventricles, through the brain and into the space around the brain and spinal cord. A child’s body is always making and absorbing CSF. When the CSF cannot flow or doesn’t get absorbed the way it should, the CSF builds up. This is hydrocephalus. The build-up puts pressure on the brain.

David had his first shunt placed when he was just 3 days old. However, the first shunt never seemed to work correctly. The spinal fluid was supposed to drain through the tube that was placed in the ventricles in his brain and ran down his neck and into his abdomen. The fluid that came out of the tube would be absorbed into his abdomen. Instead of flowing through the tube the fluid was draining down the sides of the tube.

The advice we were given was to keep a close watch on his behavior. If he was sleeping more than usual, became lethargic, started crying inconsolably or projectile vomiting to call the doctor. So of course we were on hyper alert all the time. We were also told keep an eye on the soft spot on the top of his head. We were to feel it often and make sure it was not protruding which would be a sign the CSF was building. Not long after getting home we were checking his soft spot and it was not protruding but actually the exact opposite. It was so stuck in that it was very scary. No one had said anything about what to do if that happened. So we very quickly called the neurologist. He assured us that this was ok that it actually meant the pressure was just a little low. That momentarily put our minds to ease but made us realize how many things there were that we had to learn.

Over the course of the next week things didn’t improve with David’s shunt. We remained constantly concerned and watching for any changes. As I was putting him down to bed one evening I noticed that the place where the shunt was now laying flat. I felt his head and could not feel the tube. Once again we frantically called the neuro. He seemed to think that we were probably just mistaken. But because he was a wonderful doctor who always took a parents intuition seriously he agreed to meet us at the emergency room. When we arrived at the hospital our doctor was already there waiting for us. We didn’t even check into the emergency room he took us into the observation room to take a look at David. He took one look at him and said we need to get him into surgery.

The next few hours were a whirl wind. Our newborn baby was taken from us and rushed into surgery. After what seemed like an eternity we were taken to see him and given a room on the pediatric floor. The doctor had decided to pull the shunt back up and just reattach it. As amazing as it sounds shunt surgery is serious but so common for children with shunts that we were released from the hospital the very next day. Our issues with this shunt did not end there. Unfortunately it still never worked quite right. A month later we were back in the hospital. This time the doctor decided to replace the entire shunt.