Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day

As we were preparing to take Joe to the bus station for what might be the last time we see him for a while the day took an unforseen turn.  As it turns out it looks like the case is going to be continued again.  Emotions were already running high and this really blindsided me.  I was emotionally prepared yesterday for the task that I was facing.  I was actually really looking forward to at least everything being overwith so we could move on with our lives.  So when this happened I behaved very selfishly.

I actually put most of my 3 year olds tantrums to shame.  I made an already bad day much worse.  And what was just as bad is that I really felt justified.  It wasnt until this morning when I was reading day 3 of The Love Dare that I was even convicted of my behavior.  While it was completely understandible that I would be upset I didnt even take into consideration how all this was affecting my children and husband.  I was a poor example of how to handle a stressful situation. 

But thankfully God has forgiven me and I can forgive myself.  I can appoligize to my family, accept responsibilty and hopefully learn from this situation so that it wont be repeated again.  So hopefully today will be a better day and we will be prepared for whatever the day brings.  I will hopefully be slow to anger, slow to speak and quick to listen. 

We did drop Joe off at the bus station to go to Bangor for his court hearing and made it back home in time to go to the beach for a few minutes.  It was sunset and God showed up and gave us the most amazing sunset I have ever seen.  We also got to share it with the little boy across the street who David wrote a story about the other day calling him the brother he doesnt have. God has already blessed us to much by putting us here. 

I will leave you today with some lyrics from a song I have been listening to alot that has really helped me to keep things in perspective.  I hope it will be as much of a blessing to you as it has been to me.

I wont pretend to know what your thinking and I cant begin to know what your going through and
I wont deny the pain that your feeling.
But I'm going to try and give a little hope to you.
Just remember what I told you there's so much your living for.
There's a light at the end of this tunnel for you.
There's a light at the end of this tunnel shining bright at the end of this tunnel for you.
So keep holding on.

Tunnel
~ Third Day

Kindness

First I would like to say through tear stained cheeks how incredibly grateful I am to all who have reached out to me in the last few days.  It has been an amazing blessing that I just cannot adequately describe.  I now wish that I had not waited to long to share. 

But I would like to share today one of the things that brought me to the point of having the courage to write this blog.  Since we moved to Old Orchard Beach a few weeks ago God has been blessing me through perfect strangers.  It seems that every where we have been at the grocery store, on the beach, or just walking down the street perfect strangers have taken a moment to stop me and tell me how wonderful my family is.  One lady at the mall actually stopped me and said your children are beautiful.  She went on and on saying why she thought so in detail and then said to me "good job mom." On that particular day those words meant so much to me to have someone, especially a stranger, notice how hard I was working was incredibily encouraging. 

With the encouragment I was receiving from strangers I started to see my family different from their perspective.  Of course I think my family is wonderful.  We have a lot of problems that we are working on but I love them.  But I assumed that everyone walking by somehow knew our secrets and was looking down on us.

Another amazing thing started happening when I started looking at my family from their perspective.  I started really looking at people as they were walking by and I could just see so much pain.  I started to really realize that everyone is struggling in one way or another.  That maybe they are walking around thinking I am thinking bad things about them. 

When Joe was first arrested I didnt even go to the grocery store for a week because I felt like everyone knew.  I was so embarrassed and ashamed.  Then I realized that most people didnt know and I was determined to keep it that way.  There have been days in the last year when things have been so hard it literally felt hard to take a deep breath.  Not only have we had the relapse & legal issues but our house sold and we had to move.  Joe was in the middle of his court case so we couldnt really leave town.  We were told by the lawyer that the case would definitely be done by July 1st.  Because we knew we wanted to leave Bangor we decided to go camping for the summer until the case was done.  What I didnt realize was that I hate camping :)  Then our car broke and we had no way to get back and forth from the campground to Bangor for court hearings.

But through these amazing people that have taken just a few seconds of their time to encourage us I no longer feel that we are condemded by everyone.  I know it may sound simple but that is really played a big part in finding the courage to write this blog.  I started to think that if strangers thought we were ok then maybe everyone else would too. 

I walked through the same store last week and looked for the lady who spoke such kind words to me and I didnt see her.  Maybe she wasnt working that day or maybe she was an angel sent by God. 

The kindness lavished on me by strangers is more than I can explain.  ~ Ani Difranco

More Joy Less Shame

For at least the last year but really longer our family has been in self imposed isolation.  We have been suffering alone in our shame.  It has come to the point where I think we are tired of hiding and have decided to put ourselves out there and accept what may come.  We are ready to meet new people who want to join us on our journey and are ready to let go of those who dont.  But before you decide which side of the road you are on here is a little more about our story.

My husband, Joe is a recovering Alcoholic/Addict.  He has been in active recovery for about 6 years.  But in the last year he had a major relapse in which he made some very bad choices and hurt some very good people.  He ended up in legal trouble that is going to send him to jail next week for at least a month.

So for the last year we have cut ourselves off from most everyone because how do you avoid something that is such a huge part of your life coming up in conversation.  We were not ready to tell people.  Some people close to us that do know about this terrible tragedy have decided they no longer accept us as part of their life and I understand their decision.  I have asked myself a thousand times if I met someone who told me that their husband did what mine did could I continue to have them over for dinner. Before this happened I am not sure but I can say for sure now that I would.

So now I am faced with living in a new place where I dont know anyone and next week my husband will be in jail and I will be left taking care of 3 children completely by myself.  While I have been contimplating this task it has forced me come out of my isolation and put myself out there. 

I firmly believe that God works all things for good.  I have prayed many times asking God to show me how this situation can be used for His glory.  I hope that writing this blog is the first step in doing that.  I hope that people that dont know us very well will understand why they havent seen us lately. That we will meet new people that share our story and our journey. That we will reach hurting people and that somehow reading our story will help them through their pain. And that it will help our family to heal and begin our new life.

I am not exactly where writing this blog is going to go.  But my goal for now is to chronicle our journey each day as we undergo the seperation from Joe while he is in jail. As well as continue to share what it is like to live with someone that is in recovery and just share the trials and triumphs of my everyday life as a mother, wife, homeschool teacher, sister, daughter and friend.  I hope you will decide to join us on our journey to more joy and less shame.